Sweet Mary and Joseph, the fence is finally finished. What was expected to be a two day build turned into a week and a half long fiasco that involved myself (the disgruntled homeowner), the misfit fence crew, their boss man (a voice in the phone), and my local home store sales manager (the vigilant savior).

I thought it was a done deal yesterday until I got a call at work from the sales manager. She asked if I was happy with everything and I explained that we loved the final product but the main gate was a little funky at the bottom (uneven due to it being on a sloped driveway). I admitted that I hadn’t done a thorough check on both sides even though I signed off that the job was complete (should have known better). She agreed that they should have done a better finish job on the gate and said that during her walk-around she also noticed a couple other things - some nails that hadn’t been driven all the way flush with the pickets and they hadn’t put back in place a small portion of my neighbors edging that had been pulled up when they dug one of the post holes. I also remembered seeing a few nails that were supposed to have gone into the cross beams but missed.

So the crew leader came out AGAIN today, which for him is an hour and a half drive, to do about 15-20 minutes of work. I can imagine how happy he was and I wouldn’t be surprised if he curses my name for the next several weeks.

With the fence in place, I’ve been working on carving out some planting beds around the perimeter of the yard. I have pretty good vision for this portion of the project and I really love how it’s turning out. We’ll need to have some massive quantities of mulch delivered to fill the beds (10-12 yards) and we’ll also need to do some plant shopping, though knowing what plants to buy is a friggin’ mystery to me. I may call a landscape designer and have them draw up a plan which I would then implement. I got a quote for that once and it was about $200-$300. Money well spent as far as I’m concerned. Plant shopping just stresses me out. I think I may have a fear of plants. I’ve never been good at caring for them and have had many die under my watch. It’s the kind of thing night terrors are made of. I never know which plants are best suited for the different areas of the yard - low sun, high shade, part shade, high sun…are you kidding? Just give me something that looks good throughout the year and requires very little maintenance. I’m sure those kind of plants exist, right?

Another thing that has come to mind now that the fence is up is getting a patio or deck built. This will be a Summer ‘08 project that I seriously cannot wait to dive into. Already I’ve been spending more time out in the yard and with a true outdoor living area in place I may never leave. Hallelujah. My oneness with mother nature is just beginning.

If you’ve been keeping up with my fence debacle, you already know that things have been going far from smooth…miles from it actually. After I brought to the crew’s attention the 34 posts that weren’t set deep enough in the ground they returned the next day with a “driving auger.” It had mini tank tracks and the driver would stand at the back of the unit and control the arm of the auger making the process of digging the holes nearly effortless. They used this machine to pull out the incorrectly installed posts and dig down to the proper depth.

It just so happens that the weather wasn’t conducive to this type of machine being on my lawn, which led to track marks in a number of areas throughout where the mini-tank pivoted too sharply and dug into the soft underbelly of the turf. Then there was the narrow area between my neighbor’s house and mine that really took a beating. The back and forth of the treads pounding on the soft grass made it look like a worn Lambeau Field after a muddy overtime gridiron battle - mostly brown with small patches of green. And there was no explanation, no apologies, no, “I know we beat the hell out of your lawn but sit tight cuz someone will be comin’ directly to fix you up.”

All I got was my neighbor letting me know there were pieces of concrete in their yard and the corner post that butts up to their fence was as wobbly as a drunk frat boy during rush week. So they had to come back and add more concrete to the hole. Needless to say, they finally sunk all the posts again and managed to put up the cross beams and pickets along the back line of the yard. Actually, looks pretty nice and I will be unbelievably relieved when this project is complete.

Throughout this process we’ve had to get our local home store involved since they’re the ones we purchased the fence through, and they’ve been surprisingly helpful, coming on-site to work directly with the crew and ensure they go about things in a professional way. They even extended my warranty an additional six months to cover a couple of seasons of potential frost heaves. Trust me when I say we will not go through a home store again when large projects that involve subcontractors are involved - they simply can’t be trusted.

And that’s my final answer.

For those looking to pay a builder to install their fence, following the five rules below just might save you from strangling someone when everything blows up in your face.

Rule #1: Do Some Research
Know something about fence building before you bring someone in to build your fence. It’s a heckuva lot easier to spot mistakes or crappy labor when you know what to look for. So when you see that your ten foot posts are more than 8 feet above ground you’ll know you have a problem on your hands, and a serious one at that if you live somewhere that faces yearly frost lines. You’ll also have a better chance of noticing whether your fence posts aren’t evenly spaced, though even the untrained eye of a two-year-old could notice something as obvious as that.

“Daddy, that space is bigger than the other ones.”

“I know, punkin.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know punkin…I don’t know,” I respond in a muffled voice, burying my face in my hands in exasperation.

Rule #2: Identify the Man in Charge
When the crew arrives, find out who is in charge and make sure that guy or gal knows what they’re doing. How will you know? Ask. It’s that simple.

“Do you know what you’re doing?”

“Yeah.”

“Prove it.”

[blank stare]

If you happen to see four dudes hop out of a couple pickups looking like they’re coming straight from The Outsiders movie, get on the horn and call the man in charge. If he happens to be one of the guys struttin’ around in your yard, compliment his hair and keep your kids inside.

It’s also a good idea to know something about the company you’ll be working with. Get some references and look at some of their previous work to help you make a more informed decision.

Rule #3: Discuss The Plan
Go over the entire plan before any digging begins. Property lines and how far the fence should be set back from sidewalks, driveways or anything else should be covered when the crew arrives, not with the foreman over the phone after all the posts are set incorrectly and you’re gently recovering from a mild stroke.

Rule #4: Demand Restitution
If something isn’t right, call them on it. Even if you’re afraid the crew might slash your tires for ratting them out. And even if it means the 34 posts that were sunk have to all be ripped out and replaced with new ones. It’s your house, your fence, and your money. Don’t settle for anything less than perfect.

Rule #5: Skip the Subcontractors
In particular those who are contracted by the large home stores that most of us frequent on a regular basis. In my experience many are less dependable and provide lower quality work than what you would get if you were to work with a local builder directly. You never know who you’re going to be working with and you have no way of ensuring they’re capable of handling the job in a professional manner.

Those are my rules. And since all of the examples I provided apply to my current fence building nightmare, I can say with a high level of certainty that each of my rules are extremely valid.

If only I had known…

The dead elm is now truly dead and the stumps are no more. This past Friday the tree dudes came out with their cherry picker, wood chipper, and stump grinder and in a matter of two hours had taken care of business. About and hour into the job the owner of the company rapped on our door. I joked with my wife that he would be coming in to say, “I noticed some of your other trees could use some trimming. I can take care of it right now for an extra 20 bucks.” You know, the typical add some extra cash onto your tab kind of ploy.

Turned out to be $150. And instead of trimming the trees he wound up cutting a major branch off the extremely large oak tree on the side of our house. He pointed out a hole you could see that went through the entire branch, which was 10-12 inches in diameter. According to him this meant the branch was dead and could wind up falling on my head (the last part of that was my conclusion, not his). That’s quite alright. As I’ve said before, no branches will be crashing my noggin anytime soon. But since I wasn’t expecting to shell out an extra $150 I left it up to my wife.

“I’m OK with it either way.” After all this guy was a certified arborist - he must know what he’s talking about, right? So my wife went out to take a look and came back in with a half scowl on her face.

“Man, I hate spending money on this kind of stuff,” she vented in frustration.

“So you told him to go ahead and do it?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I also told him that it sucks having to do this.”

I couldn’t help but think how awesome that was for her to say that to the guy…well, at least now he knows, right?

The whole family sat there looking out our bay window, as though we were watching a film on the big screen and the men working in front of us were cast in the movie. And what a grand movie it was. As the $150 branch came crashing to the ground our eyes widened and mouths fell open as we screeched in horror at the hollow insides of the now dismembered tree. The master tree dude stood above the fallen limb and pointed down upon it as if to say, “No more, vile branch…no more.” And with that he looked up with a hero-like smirk and gave a confident thumbs up in our direction. With pleasure I returned his gesture and could now sleep soundly knowing that no branches would fall today or anytime soon.

The evil stumps and living dead trees will haunt us no longer.

We are free…

Watch a clip of the movie below with my daughter providing commentary.

A few days ago I wrote about getting a large dead elm tree removed from behind the shed in our back yard. Here’s an update on the price quotes:

1. $350 (doesn’t include removal of wood)
2. $550 (includes removal of wood)
3. $750 (includes removal of wood)
4. $350 (includes removal of wood) + $90 to grind the stump + $40 to grind the four hedge stumps in the front

We told the last guy that we had a lot of other quotes already which I think helped reduce his quoted amount. He told us since he would already have his grinder he could easily grind out the hedge stumps at the front of the house for just 10 bucks a piece. Hot Damn! One less thing for me to sweat over! On top of that he said he would grind down a couple other little stumps that had been plaguing the side yard for the low cost of FREE. We didn’t waste any time scheduling a day for him to come out. And Monday is the day we’ll lay the dead elm to rest. One of the tree dudes told us that the bark peeling off the tree was a clear sign that it was pretty much wasted and could come crashing down at any moment. Hmmm, that’s not so good. All the better to just take care of it now. I don’t need any trees falling on me.

If I was really cool I’d save the big stump and make a table out of it like the one pictured above. But I’m not that cool and no one, including myself, wants a stinky dead elm table.

There are many things to consider when you decide to build your own home. For those with building experience many of these things are second nature, but for someone like myself who has never ventured into this territory before, the process can seem a bit daunting. My wife and I have just started toying with the idea of building our own home and it’s been fun searching through all the house plans out there on the web, getting lots of interior ideas from one of our favorite magazines, Renovation Style, and really just trying to get a handle on what it is we want in a home and what we can realistically afford. Make no mistake, there’s a lot of work to be done in this area in order to build a house, but I consider this the fun, superficial stuff.

The other aspect of homebuilding involves much of what you can’t see or what you don’t really think about on a regular basis. These are the structural components - the building materials, insulation, heating and cooling systems, plumbing, electrical and so on. Now it’s possible to turn over all decisions on these matters to the builder, and to be honest, a lot of people do for the simple reason that they don’t know about these things, don’t care to know, or don’t have time to find out. But the more research I do on homebuilding the more I’ve realized that it’s important to know about these things. Being an informed homebuilder could mean having a more energy efficient home that leads to reduced energy costs. It could also mean reducing the cost of materials or installation during the homebuilding process. And finally, it could mean you’ve taken the environmental impact of the materials and operation of the home into consideration.

So what does all this mean? It means I’m busy researching all these things and part of that research led me to the PATH Concept Home. For those not familiar, PATH is the Partnership for Advancing Technology in Housing. Their goal is to advance and support technology innovations for the home. The concept home itself is nothing fancy (though it does have authentic interior and exterior Craftsman trim) but it serves a purpose: “To enhance a home’s flexibility and make it more efficient to build and maintain.” Some of the materials and technology that went into this project I’d like to consider in the building of our Craftsman dream home. You can read the blog kept by the general contractor of the job to get a sense of what was involved with process of building this home that is in many ways ahead of its time.

Of all the building components going into the concept home the list below includes the ones I’m most interested in following up on. Several I’m quite familiar with such as the tankless water heater and PEX tubing, but others I know very little about, such as the grey water system. Over the next couple weeks I’ll be sharing with everyone what I find and making the decision of whether or not they’re worth including in our dream home.

• Grey water system
• Tankless water heater
• PEX tubing and plumbing system
• Foundation water proofing system
• HVAC system
• Drought resistant lawn seed
• Attic wrap
• Spray insulation
• Mold resistant drywall

I know this is probably pretty boring stuff for those coming to look for Craftsman or Colonial inspired homebuilding, but rest assured I’ll be mixing in some of the fun, superficial stuff in between the more structural and functional entries. I’ll even make the “boring” stuff fun by including lots of pictures like this. It’ll be cool - trust me.